Resident Evil 4 : Cliff's Notes
by Penny Bloodlust
Summary: Resident Evil 4 storyline parody. Just a silly thing concocted after reading too many fifteen minute movies.


Resident Evil is Capcom's. This is mine.

Resident Evil 4 : Cliff's Notes

Chapter 1-1

**Spanish**** Countryside, Middle Of Nowhere.**

POLICE VEHICLE: *rolls along deserted dirt road*

LEON: *sitting in the backseat and looking out the window*

LEON'S VOICEOVER: *talks about special training and working for the president of the United States and other stuff that tells us what he's been doing after Resident Evil 2*

COP # 1: Why are we the ones who always get stuck with the pointless missions?

COP # 2 [to Leon]: Remind us what you're doing here again?

LEON: We've already told you. President's daughter: Missing. Me: Go look for her.

COP # 1: Don't you think that because the opening cut scene had everything to do with the Raccoon City incident, you should be a little more heavily armed?

LEON: I'm supposed to ask a few questions, not head an invasion. Trust me, NOTHING is going to go wrong.

MURPHY'S LAW: *is just around the corner*

COP # 1: Whatever, crazy American. It's no big deal. Probably.

LEON: I'm counting on you guys.

COP # 2: Your funeral.

The car stops so Cop # 2 can get out and go to the bathroom. Leon continues to think to himself in the backseat.

LEON'S VOICEOVER: The President's daughter was abducted right before I got the job of protecting her and I'm here to rescue her and stuff.

SOMETHING ACROSS THE ROAD IN THE TREES: *watches Cop # 2*

COP # 2: Whoa, it's cold out here. Foreshadowing? Nah, probably not. *gets back in*

COP # 1: *starts the car again even though it was already running and keeps driving*

**Bridge**

LEON: I'll go have a look around.

COP # 2: We're just gonna hang back here a while.

LEON [getting out]: Pussies.

COP # 1 [rolls down window]: What did you say?

LEON: Nothing.

COP # 1: Yeah, that's what I thought.

LEON'S RADIO: *goes off*

_TRANSMISSION - HUNNIGAN_

INGRID: Hello Leon. I'm Ingrid Hunnigan and I'll be your exposition support on this mission.

LEON: *wolf whistle*

INGRID: ...

LEON: Fine, be that way.

INGRID: Leon, you're supposed to rescue Ashley Graham, the daughter of the President. So try to behave yourself, okay?

LEON: Are you saying I'm not allowed to hit on her?

INGRID: ....

LEON: ...

_END TRANSMISSION_

LEON: *approaches nearby house*

SHADOW: *watches from inside*

LEON [entering the house]: Hello? Is the president's daughter here?

VILLAGER: *messing around with a fireplace*

LEON [holding out a picture of Ashley]: Have you seen this girl?

VILLAGER: ¡Ataque Del Hacha!

AXE: WOOSH!

LEON [kills Villager and examines the body]: He wasn't a zombie? What the hell?

TRUCK: *stops outside house*

MORE VILLAGERS: *jump off*

TRUCK [after driving away]: *gunfire screech crash scream crash explosion*

LEON [looking out the window]: Oh noes.

VILLAGERS: *swarm the house*

LEON'S RADIO: *goes off*

_TRANSMISSION_

INGRID: It's been two minutes. Everything okay?

LEON: OMG they're surrounding the house! Plus I had to shoot someone. I checked to make sure they were a zombie after I killed them and they weren't but it's still okay right?

INGRID: Do what you gotta do.

LEON: Cool. So can I get your number? Oh wait, I'll have to talk later. They're still out there.

_END TRANSMISSION_

LEON [jumping out the upstairs window]: They'll never see this coming!

VILLAGERS: *mutter crazy try to kill Leon*

WHITE DOG: Hey, can I get some help here?

**Inside The Village Gates**

LEON: *hangs out behind a tree and looks through binoculars*

COP # 1: *is dead on a burning spike*

VILLAGERS: *act sort of normal while muttering loudly to themselves*

LEON: Hey, any of YOU guys seen the President's daughter?

VILLAGERS: *attack Leon*

ANGRY MOB: *forms*

CHICKENS: *panic*

LEON [runs into nearby house and blocks the door]: I'm safe for now!

DR. SALVADOR: *starts up chainsaw*

LEON [runs upstairs]: Shotgun!

DR SALVADOR: Chainsaw!

LEON: ... Shit.

CHURCHBELL: *tolls*

VILLAGERS: *drop weapons mumble leave*

SINGLE VILLAGER: ...Lord Saddler.

LEON: Where's everyone going? Why did that guy just speak English?

ENTIRE VILLAGE: ... *is empty*

LEON: Eh, who cares. Back to looking for the President's daughter!

**Path Outside Farm**

VILLAGERS: *throw dynamite*

LEON: *kills the villagers and goes in the house*

NOISE: *thump thump*

LEON: *demolishes shelf in front of a hidden hallway*

NOISE: *is louder*

LEON: Hey, a locked cabinet with something alive inside! *opens door*

LUIS: *falls to the floor* Mmph!

LEON: I'll save you! *rips off duct tape*

LUIS: OW! Hey, why aren't you one of the crazed villagers?

LEON: Give it time. Why aren't you?

LUIS [ignoring question]: Got a smoke?

LEON: Are you kidding? Capcom doesn't allow that in North America.

_Several villagers and an eight-foot tall guy who looks like a bald Rob Zombie enter._

LEON: ...

LUIS: In case you haven't noticed... we are so, so dead.

LEON: Not if my roundhouse kick has anything to say about it!

MENDEZ: *grabs Leon's foot and flips him ten feet in the air*

LUIS [landed on]: Oh noes.

LEON: Before I pass out, do I have enough product in my hair?

Chapter 1-2

VOICE: Feeble human. Might as well inject him with a parasite or something.

NEEDLE: *injects*

**Cabin By Outside Camp**

_Leon and Luis are handcuffed together and sitting on the floor._

FANGIRLS: SQUEEEEE! BONDAGE! ^_________^

LEON [handcuffed to Luis]: Wake up.

LUIS: I am awake.

LEON: Good. What's going on here anyway?

LUIS [ignoring Leon's question]: Why don't you tell me what you're doing here first?

LEON: I'm Leon and I'm looking for the President's daughter.

LUIS: Are you a cop?

LEON: Maybe. Who are you supposed to be?

LUIS: Luis Sera. I used to be a cop in Madrid. Then I quit because no one appreciated me.

LEON: I was a cop. For a day.

LUIS: I thought I sucked.

LEON: You shut up. I survived Raccoon City.

LUIS: Oh, that thing with the virus and the zombies? I saw a sample of the virus in the lab at my department.

LEON: Huh? Why would...

LUIS: Uh, what I meant to say was - the President's daughter is in the church.

LEON: What? How do you know?

LUIS: Psychic powers.

LEON: Yeah, right. What do you think this is, Silent Hill?

LUIS: Okay, fine. I overheard the villagers talking about it. But we're stuck here anyway.

MANGLED VILLAGER [swinging axe]: ¡Segundo ataque del hacha!

LUIS: Save us!

LEON: No, you!

_Leon and Luis dodge as the axe comes down, breaking the handcuffs apart. Luis runs away while Leon kills the villager._

LEON: Hey, get back here!

LUIS: *is gone*

MANGLED VILLAGER: *is dead*

MERCHANT [outside]: Heh heh heh. Don't mind me, just selling a bunch of guns and stuff. Want to buy any?

LEON: ... Yeah, sure.

**Outside Bitores Mendez's House.**

LEON: [fiddles with glass globe]: Up, Left, ok! *goes inside*

MENDEZ: I KILL YOU! *grabs Leon by the throat and lifts him in the air*

LEON [choking]: ... *eyes turn red*

MENDEZ [drops Leon]: Oh, you're one of us. Fine you can live. BUT KEEP OUT OF MY ROOM.

LEON: Huh?

_TRANSMISSION_

HUNNIGAN: I just thought I'd let you know we found out about this religious cult called the Los Illuminados.

LEON: They're called the The... Illuminados?

HUNNIGAN: ...

LEON: Oh yeah. This big cheesy guy tried to kill me, said I was one of them and then let me live. Or something.

HUNNIGAN: Interesting. I guess.

LEON: Maybe. I'm just going to ignore it for now if that's okay.

HUNNIGAN: Whatever. Just go find the church already.

_END TRANSMISSION_

Chapter 1-3

**Overlooking the Lake**

VILLAGERS [on a boat in the middle of the lake]: *dump the body of Cop # 2*

DEL LAGO: *surfaces and eats the body*

LEON: Wow, sucks to be that guy.

VILLAGERS: *mumble*

**Shoreside**

LEON: *drives boat onto the lake despite seeing a giant monster come out of it two minutes ago*

DEL LAGO: *surfaces*

ANCHOR LINE: *somehow gets attached to Del Lago*

LEON [being dragged in boat]: Hey, an infinite supply of harpoons!

DEL LAGO: *roar*

LEON [harpooning repeatedly]: Call...me...Ishmael!

DEL LAGO: *dies*

ANCHOR LINE: *starts dragging Leon overboard*

LEON: !!!! *slashslashslashslash!*

FANGIRLS: w00t!

LEON [wanders into a cabin]: *coughbloodcoughfaint*

Chapter 2-1

**Cabin By The Lake - Other Shoreside**

LEON [waking up after having a nightmare about a parasite taking over his body]: Weird. At least it was just a dream!

_TRANSMISSION_

INGRID: Leon. Where the hell have you been for the last six hours?

LEON [sleazy]: Getting lonely?

INGRID: ...

LEON: Fine, be that way. I've been chased around by bloodthirsty villagers, killed a giant lake monster, had a nightmare about a parasite taking over my body, blah, blah, etc., etc...

INGRID: Maybe it has something to do with what the village chief was talking about!

LEON: Duh. Since no one killed me while I was passed out, I'm going to continue my mission 'cause it can't get any worse.

MURPHY'S LAW: *prepares to smash Leon*

_END TRANSMISSION_

**Area With Three Huts**

VILLAGERS: *drag the Lord of the Rings cave troll El Gigante into the area*

EL GIGANTE: *throws, maims and crushes villagers*

VILLAGERS: *scream; die*

LEON: *backflips out of El Gigante's grasp*

WHITE DOG [on cliff]: *howls*

LEON: Save me, Hewie!

**Saddler's Church Of Creepiness**

LEON: Ashley!

ASHLEY: Don't come!

LEON: What the hell do you mean by that?!

ASHLEY [kneeling in the corner]: Get away!

LEON: You want to be rescued or not?

ASHLEY: I guess so.

LEON: Then let's go already.

**Downstairs**

SADDLER: That's MY girl. Get your own.

LEON: First tell me your name, motivation, plan, and why I'm passing out and having all these crazy nightmares.

SADDLER: If I must. My name is Osmund Saddler and I want money for my church. That will be a good enough explanation for why I'm trying to get Ashley back even though I already injected her with the parasite and the crux of my whole plan depends on letting her go back home to infect everyone. Or something. Look, just tell the President to hand over some cash for my church of creepiness and we'll send his daughter back.

LEON: No.

SADDLER: Fine be that way. We injected you with a parasite, too.

LEON: ... . . . . . . ZOMG. I'M KNOCKED UP.

SADDLER: You'll become my slave when the egg hatches and I'll be able to make you do whatever I want. I'll still let you get away with killing half a million Ganados and all of my most powerful minions.

LEON: Wow. You're pretty dumb.

SADDLER: Look who's talking.

LEON: ...And you look like that guy from Star Wars.

SADDLER: ...

ZEALOTS: *enter with crossbows*

SADDLER: *smirk*

CROSSBOWS: *fire*

LEON: *grabs Ashley and dives out the window, landing outside* Well, this sucks.

ASHLEY: What's going to happen to us?

LEON: Best case scenario, we die. Worst case scenario, we turn into one of them and Saddler's plan succeeds.

ASHLEY: ...

**The Farm**

LEON AND ASHLEY: *stand outside the door*

LEON: Piggyback time!

ASHLEY: Yay!

_Ashley climbs over the door._

ASHLEY: I opened the door!

LEON: ... Congratulations.

**Another Cabin**

LEON: Hey, let's cross the bridge!

ASHLEY: Okay!

VILLAGERS: *mumble; as they swarm towards Ashley and Leon from behind a gate*

LEON: Hey, let's go back to the other side of the bridge!

ASHLEY: Sure!

MORE VILLAGERS: *mumble; swarm over the bridge*

ASHLEY: Now what?

LEON: How 'bout we go corner ourselves in that cabin?

ASHLEY: Cool, whatever.

_Leon and Ashley run into the cabin._

LUIS: Whoa, you guys are hiding here too?

LEON [barring door]: Yeah, guess so.

LUIS: *checks Ashley out*

ASHLEY: ZOMG you can't hit on me! I'm the President's daughter!

LUIS: Fine be that way. You going to introduce yourself or what?

ASHLEY: Ashley Graham. Daughter of the President.

LEON: Yeah, we got that.

LUIS: Is she, uh, you know, going to be one of the freaky villagers?

LEON: She's cool. Kind of. I guess. Not really.

ASHLEY: ...

LUIS: Never mind. I'm sure you'll know if she's about to turn into one of them and murder you or something.

LEON: Yeah, maybe.

ASHLEY [finally remembers the Ganados outside]: Um, Leon?

LEON: Ashley, hide! ... Somewhere.

LUIS: Let's kick some ass.

_Villagers gather outside the cabin, force their way in, and then give up and leave._

LEON: Sweet, we won.

LUIS: So what should we do now?

LEON: We're trapped because the bridge is out - so let's keep going!

BRIDGE: *is not out*

LUIS: I forgot my plot device. See you guys later.

LEON: Huh?

Chapter 2-3

**Storehouse**

LEON: I'm going in where Village Chief Rob Zombie is obviously waiting to kill me. Go stand over there or something.

ASHLEY: No prob.

LEON [inside]: Do de do...

MENDEZ: *teleports behind Leon*

LEON: *turns around*

MENDEZ: *teleports behind Leon again, throws him into a ceiling beam and moves in for the kill.*

LEON: I totally knew that second part was coming. *kicks over gasoline barrel, shoots puddle at Mendez's feet and dives away from the explosion*

MENDEZ: *turns into a spiny bug-like version of himself*

LEON: Oh noes.

MENDEZ: *roars*

LEON: *kills*

MENDEZ: *turns into half a spiny bug-like version of himself*

LEON: *kills again*

_After the battle, Leon jumps out of the building through a hole in the wall._

ASHLEY: Leon. You dead?

LEON: *ignores Ashley*

_Leon and Ashley go through the gate exiting the village. A group of villagers linger on the road while a truck sits at the top of the hill._

TRUCK: *drives*

VILLAGERS: *mumble; get run over*

LEON: *snipes driver*

TRUCK: *crashes into hill and rolls onto its side*

_Leon and Ashley head up the hill. A swarm of villagers follow behind them._

VILLAGERS: *mumble, swarm*

LEON: Hey, a totally cool looking castle to hide in! Let's go!

ASHLEY [following Leon over the drawbridge]: Cool, whatever.

LEON: So, you take that one and I'll take this one.

_Leon and Ashley use the cranks to operate the bridge. It raises, leaving the mob of villagers stranded on the other side._

SINGLE VILLAGER: ¿Qué la mierda?

REST: *mumble, leave*

Chapter 3-1

**Castle Room With Gold and Platinum Swords**

TRANSMISSION - HUNNIGAN

HUNNIGAN: Hey Leon. What's happening?

LEON: Well, I found Ashley and we got attacked 43929432 times, and now we're stuck in a castle which seems to also be connected with the whole Los Illuminados thing.

HUNNIGAN: I know, why don't you just--

SCREEN: *staticfuzzstatic*

LEON: Hello? Help? Great. It officially sucks to be me.

ASHLEY: What about me?

LEON: Be quiet.

**Inner Castle Wall**

_Luis runs up behind Leon and Ashley outside a locked door._

LUIS: Hey, I found my plot device!

LEON: Cool. So what is it?

LUIS: Oh snap. I dropped it while I was running away from the creepy villagers.

LEON: Nice work.

ASHLEY: What's going on?

LUIS: Just a drug I had that would've helped keep the plagas I know you were infected with from growing. You're not coughing up blood or anything like that are you?

LEON: Yeah.

ASHLEY: Totally.

LUIS: The eggs have hatched and you don't have much time. Just thought you'd like to know. Guess I'll go get it again.

ASHLEY: Can I come?

LUIS: No way, that's Leon's job. I'm not being paid to babysit.

LEON: Dude, this is so not fair.

LUIS: Whatever. Let's meet at the end of the game and then we'll figure out whose got it worse.

**Inner Castle - Main Hall**

LAUGHTER: *creepy*

LEON/ASHLEY: *go forward, see no one*

LAUGHTER: *creeeeeeepy*

LEON/ASHLEY: *go forward, see no one*

LAUGHTER: *so creepy!*

LEON: WHO KEEPS DOING THAT?

_Leon and Ashley stop below a balcony at the head of the room. Salazar walks forward, flanked by two minions dressed in robes._

SALAZAR: About time.

LEON: Whatthefuckisthatthing?

SALAZAR: Oh, I'm just the weird eventual boss guy whose going to taunt you throughout the castle. So you might as well give up now.

LEON: No way.

SALAZAR: Fiesty.

LEON: …Eww.

SALAZAR: Fine, be that way. If you don't surrender, become our hostage AND give us Ashley back, we'll KILL you. Or something. I'll leave now for no good reason while you think it over.

ASHLEY: I'm not going to turn into one of them!

LEON: Little late since you're already infected, wouldn't ya say?

ASHLEY: ...

LEON: I mean, don't worry. There's probably a lightly guarded cure that we'll discover towards the end of the game.

**Room With Two Cranks**

ASHLEY: Hey Leon there's two cranks up there, can I operate them, can I can I?

LEON: ... Yeah, sure.

ASHLEY: Goody! Try not to kill me.

ALTERNATE COSTUME #2 ASHLEY [getting picked up and dropped repeatedly]: This is the best special costume ever.

**Trapwall Hallway Outside Sewer Entrance**

ASHLEY: *coughcoughcoughbloodcough*

LEON: Whoa, are you okay?

ASHLEY: I'M FINE! *runs away*

LEON: Fine, be that--hey, where're you going?

ASHLEY: *coughcough runs right into a trap*

TRAP: *closes*

WALL: *revolves*

ASHLEY: Oh noes.

_TRANSMISSION_

LEON: Hey Hunnigan, what the--

SALAZAR [appears on the screen]: Heheheheh!

LEON: Whoa, how'd you do that?

SALAZAR: Oh you know. This, that...jacked the line.

LEON: *grumble can't hit on Hunnigan again until the end of the game grumble* Hey, have you seen Ashley?

SALAZAR: So she fell into one of our traps. Don't worry, we'll find her. Why don't you go down to the sewer and play with the mutant insects I let out to KILL YOU.

LEON: Thanks. That should keep me company cuz boredom kills me.

SALAZAR: As long as something does, Mr. Kennedy.

Chapter 3-2

**Balcony Room**

SALAZAR: Hey, I know we already went through the trouble of injecting you with a plaga and everything, but we only want Ashley. Go away.

LEON: Yeah right. Get off my back, old man.

SALAZAR: Screw you. I'm only twenty years old.

LEON: So you just look all old and midgety and stuff because you're controlled by the parasite?

SALAZAR: No! I have absolute control.

LEON: Whatever. Boss battle be damned, I'm kicking your ass NOW.

SCYTHE-WIELDING ZEALOTS: *appear*

SALAZAR: You've never even done this before, have you?

LEON: ... .

**Bedroom Overlooking Garden Maze**

ADA [poking gun into Leon's back]: Put your hands up.

LEON: No.

ADA: Do it now, bitch.

LEON: Sorry, baby, I gotta lead. It's just my thing.

EVERYTHING: *goes slow motion*

LEON: *doesn't recognize Ada even though her biggest attempt at a disguise is a pair of sunglasses and a red dress different from the one she wore in Resident Evil 2*

ADA [disarmed]: ...

LEON: I won.

ADA [removing sunglasses]: Only because I totally let you. 'Sup, Leon?

LEON: Ada. So you ARE working for Wesker.

ADA: ... Hey, want to see a neat trick? *drops sunglasses*

SUNGLASSES: Buh-bye. *FLASH*

ADA [jumping out window]: *blows kiss*

LEON: HEY!

Chapter 3-3

**Trapwall Room**

LUIS: Leon! I found the plot device!

LEON: Sweet. What is it?

TENTACLE: *impales Luis through the chest*

LUIS: Aaarrrghhh!

TENTACLE: *goes back under Saddler's robe*

SAMPLE: *falls*

SADDLER: That's MY plot device. Now that I have it back, you are useless.

LEON: ...

SADDLER: My tentacle's tired now, so I'll just assume Salazar can kill you instead of doing it myself. Later.

LEON: ... In your dreams. Hey Luis, you dead?

LUIS [coughs]: Not yet. Want to hear my story?

LEON: That's cool.

LUIS: I'm a researcher, hired by Saddler. I think that would make me evil, but he found out what I was up to.

LEON: Which is...?

LUIS [ignores question]: Here, take these pills. They should help. Or something. Oh yeah, you have to get the plot device back from Saddler.

LEON: You got it. Why?

LUIS: ... x.x

LEON: LUISSSSSSSSSS!

ADA [behind a pillar]: I remember when he used to scream MY name like that.

**Two Seconds Later**

ASHLEY: HELP!!!

LEON: ... *shoots*

BAR: *falls*

ASHLEY: *screams*

LEON: *shoots*

BAR: *falls*

ASHLEY: *screams*

LEON: *shoots*

BAR: *falls*

ASHLEY: *screams, is freed* ZOMG I ALMOST DIED! How did you know I wouldn't get shot on accident?

LEON: ...Didn't.

ZEALOTS: *enter*

LEON: Ashley, get out! ... Or something.

ASHLEY: *ducks in the middle of the floor instead*

ZEALOTS: *swarm around Ashley*

LEON: *kills*

ASHLEY [by the door]: It won't open!

LEON: Did you try the knob?

MORE ZEALOTS: *enter*

ASHLEY: *resumes ducking*

LEON: *kills some more*

ASHLEY: I found the key! I can get out! Through the door!

LEON: ... Once again, congratulations.

_Ashley enters a dark corridor lined with armor knight statues._

ASHLEY: *holding a flashlight* Hey, where'd I get this?

KNIGHT: *swings*

ALTERNATE COSTUME #2 ASHLEY: Aaaah! One of you! One of you!

_Ashley picks up a few items, solves a few puzzles and goes back to the hall where Leon waits._

ASHLEY: I win! *hugs Leon*

LEON: Get off! I mean - good job.

ASHLEY: Oh yeah, sorry about almost screwing up your mission and stupidly putting myself in danger.

LEON: It's cool, you were just following the script. Let's go.

ASHLEY [walks over Luis' body]: Do de do, I see nothing at all.

_TRANSMISSION_

SALAZAR: You two make a cute couple.

LEON: Ew, freak. I like Ada. Quit showing up or you'll piss off the audience.

SALAZAR: You think it's YOUR script, but it's MY script. I'm writing you out now.

LEON: Whatever, gay Lord Farquaad. I'm not a part of your crappy script.

ASHLEY: Worst. Line. Ever.

LEON: Shut up, it's subtext. A competently written script is totally meaningless if the action is OMG SO COOL.

SALAZAR: Keep telling yourself that, Leon.

Chapter 4-1

**Fire Pit Room**

LEON [standing on lift]: I'll just be on the other side of the lava pit. You wait here AND DON'T GET INTO TROUBLE.

ASHLEY: Sure, okay!

**Hallway Outside King and Queen Statues**

_Leon and Ashley enter the statue room._

LEON: *pushes statues onto switches*

ASHLEY: *proves her Princess Ruto-like worth and stands on switch three*

LEON: *pant pant stands on switch four*

DOOR: *opens*

LEON/ASHLEY: *walk into next room*

SALAZAR: I have no minions but I have... THIS!

SPIKES: *descend from ceiling*

SALAZAR: *giggles and runs from the room*

ASHLEY: Noooo! Leon, shoot the red lights! Shoot the red lights!

LEON: *shoots*

SPIKES: *stop*

LEON/ASHLEY: *continue, whistling*

STEEL GATE: *slams shut*

ASHLEY: Nooooooo! *ducks*

BULLDOZER: *pulverizes through the wall and heads toward Ashley*

ZEALOTS: *drive, mutter*

LEON: ...Goddamnit. *kills Zealots*

DOOR: *opens*

BULLDOZER: *crashes after Leon and Ashley are gone*

**Hive Room**

NOVISTADOR: *grabs Ashley and flies away*

ASHLEY: Leon! Help!

LEON: Er? How?

NOVISTADORS: *under bridge*

LEON: Oh noes.

**Outside Salazar's Tower**

_TRANSMISSION_

SALAZAR: I wonder if you can see me, Mr. Kennedy.

LEON: You're right in front of me on the monitor. Ha! Ha! Ha!

SALAZAR: ...

LEON: ... Give Ashley back.

SALAZAR: Maybe. I'll be waiting for you in the really tall tower to your right. If you can make it that far.

LEON: Issues, much? And haven't you failed to kill me 4738239 times already?

SALAZAR: ...

_Leon uses his binoculars and sees Ashley being led into another tower by Salazar and his minions._

LEON: ... Oh well. Back to the game.

**Salazar's Throne Room**

LEON: Ashley!

ASHLEY: Leon!

SALAZAR: *mutter dammit mutter he's not dead* Come closer, Mr. Kennedy.

LEON: Huh, what do you--?

TRAP DOOR: *opens*

LEON: *falls* A/B! L/R! *throws grappling hook*

SALAZAR [listening]: Why isn't he dead THIS time?

LEON: *shoots Salazar's listening thingy*

SALAZAR: YOU DIE NOW! KILL, MINION ONE! KILL!

MINION ONE: *leaves*

SALAZAR: Now for the ritual!

ASHLEY: Freaks.

**Pit of Spikes**

TRANSMISSION - SALAZAR

SALAZAR: You have nine lives. Like a cat. Rowr.

LEON: Oh GOD.

SALAZAR: But whatever. My right hand will kill you now!

LEON: You're right hand comes off?

SALAZAR: That's not all it does, you know.

LEON: ....!!

_END TRANSMISSION_

Chapter 4-3

**Mining Area**

LEON: *checks message on stone obelisk*

STONE OBELISK: What's the easiest way to send an American agent to his death? Find out the answer at the end of the mine.

**Saddler's Throne Room**

SADDLER: *grumble grumble incompetent minions Salazar sucks grumble* Krauser, go get Ashley and kill Leon. Some time in disc two should be fine.

KRAUSER [on his knees]: Yessir!

Chapter 4-4

**Castle Tower**

SALAZAR: *claps slowly*

LEON: ...

SALAZAR: Want to hear about the special ritual we have for Ashley?

LEON: . . .

SALAZAR: ...For you?

LEON: Dream on, shortcake. *throws knife*

KNIFE: *pins Salazar's hand to the wall*

SALAZAR: *cries*

VERDUGO: *throws knife back*

LEON: *dodge*

SALAZAR/VERDUGO: *go up in lift*

LEON: Why does everyone always leave me?

**Salazar Boss Fight Room**

SALAZAR: Oh, you're just in time.

LEON: To rescue Ashley?

SALAZAR: Uh, no. She's headed towards an island with my men. Just in time for me to turn into - A GIANT MONSTER!

A BOAT [elsewhere]: *heads toward an island*

SALAZAR/VERDUGO: *monsterizes*

LEON: ... Nope, never been here before. *shoots*

SALAZAR: It's going to take more than that to kill me!

LEON: *TMPs*

SALAZAR: You deserve it!

LEON: *handcannons-rocketlaunchers-P.R.L.-412s*

SALAZAR: RAAAGGHH!!! *dies*

_Leon goes down to a dock where Ada waits in a boat._

ADA: Hey baby. Just heading over to an island. Want to come?

LEON: Hells yeah.

Chapter 5-1

**Boat Heading Towards The Island**

ADA: *drives*

LEON: *hangs out in the passenger seat and checks Ada out*

ADA: ... *SPIN*

LEON: AHH WATCH IT!

BOAT: *stops*

ADA [preparing to grapple up the side of a cliff]: Time to resume my evil agenda change my costume. Later.

LEON: She wants me so bad.

**Island**

TRANSMISSION - SADDLER

LEON [checking off list]: So, I've killed about 579842492 of your minions so far. Plus Salazar.

SADDLER: So? This is only Disc Two.

LEON: There. Are. Only. Two. Discs.

SADDLER: Whatever. He was small-time.

LEON: Literally small! Ha! Ha! Ha!

SADDLER: ...

LEON: Fine, be that way. Just give up trying to kill me and let Ashley go home already.

SADDLER: No.

LEON: ...Please?

SADDLER: No.

LEON: ... I think I hate you.

**Security Monitor Room**

ASHLEY [on monitor]: LEON!

LEON: Ashl--wait, she can't hear me.

GANADO: *growls and throws Ashley away from the door*

OTHER GANADO: *flips switch*

MONITOR: *goes dead*

LEON: Fine, I didn't need to see that anyway.

**Radio Control Tower**

LEON: Hello? Help?

RADIO: *staticfuzzstatic*

LEON: Oh well. Back to the game. Again.

**Storeroom**

ASHLEY: Leon!

LEON: Hey Ashley. So uh, what happened after the camera turned off?

ASHLEY: ...

LEON: Fine, be that way. Let's go.

PAPER AIRPLANE NOTE FROM ADA: *flies through window*

LEON [reading message]: Escape. Through. Garbage. Dump. Got it!

Chapter 5-2

**Garbage Dump**

LEON: So, we're here.

ASHLEY: I'm not going down there.

LEON [grabs Ashley and jumps]: Did you say something?

ASHLEY: You creep!

LEON: Pfft, what's a fifty foot fall anyway? I knew you'd be fine 'cause you landed on your butt.

ASHLEY: ... See if I care if you think I have a fat ass. Or whatever the hell you meant by that. Hey, what's this slimy, pointy thing I just touched?

LEON: Er, nothing. Let's go!

REGENERATOR: *stands up*

LEON AND ASHLEY: Eep.

**Bulldozer**

ASHLEY: Leave it to me Leon. I can totally drive this thing.

_Ashley drives while Leon picks off Ganados following the bulldozer and stops at the lift._

ASHLEY [pointing to the lever]: You do it.

LEON: *grumble you're not even going to duck grumble*

**After the Bulldozer Predictably Crashes**

LEON: Good going.

ASHLEY: I think I need to practice some more!

LEON: Well you can't because you wrecked it. Nice job.

**Altar**

SADDLER: I can feel them growing inside of you!

LEON: I. Swear. If. I. Hear. ONE. More. Perverted. Insinuation...

SADDLER: Shut up Leon. C'mon Ashley, let's blow this pop stand.

ASHLEY [eyes turn red]: All. Hail. Plankton...

LEON: ... Here I come to save the day!

SADDLER: Or not.

LEON [stopped by Saddler's tentacle staff]: ARGH! *throws beacon*

BEACON: *attaches itself to Ashley's sweater*

SADDLER: *doesn't notice a thing*

ASHLEY/SADDLER: *walk out of the room holding hands*

LEON: ... It could be worse.

Chapter 5-3

**Radio Control Tower**

KNIFE: *spins in the air*

KRAUSER [catches knife]: So. Leon's still alive, Saddler has the plot device AND knows what we're up to.

ADA: My plan is going awesomely.

KRAUSER: Excuse me?

ADA [averts eyes]: Uh, I mean, our. Plan. Is going awesomely.

KRAUSER: ... Except for the part where Leon's still alive, Saddler has the plot device and knows what we're up to?

ADA: Exactly.

KRAUSER: Whatever. Wesker doesn't like you, I don't like you and we're starting our OWN evil organization after I get the plot device.

ADA: Wesker likes me better, I've known him longer AND I'm a real recurring character. After _I _get the plot device, we're taking YOU off the team.

KRAUSER: ...

ADA: ...

KRAUSER: Fine, be that way. I'll just kill you, your boyfriend and give your bodies to Wesker as a creepy present get the plot device. Before you. All by myself. And I'll start my OWN evil organization and it'll be better than yours.

ADA: ... I've already been killed off once and came back. So there.

KRAUSER: ...

**Platform of Exposition**

LEON: *walks onto platform*

KRAUSER: *DIVE!*

LEON: *DODGE!*

BLOOD: *dripdrip*

LEON: ZOMG NOT THE FACE....!

KRAUSER: I-KIDNAPPED ASHLEY-SO-SADDLER-WOULD-TRUST-ME-EVEN-THOUGH-I'M-AMERICAN-LIKE-YOU-AND-I'M-GOING-TO-KILL-YOU-AND-USE-THE-PLOT-DEVICE-TO-RESURRECT-UMBRELLA-AND-OH-YEAH-I-DIDN'T-DIE-IN-THAT-CRASH-TWO-YEARS-AGO!

LEON: WHAAAAT?!?!

KRAUSER: *SLASH!*

LEON: *DODGE!*

KRAUSER: *SLASH!*

LEON: *DODGE!*

KRAUSER: Heh heh heh...what does this remind you of?

LEON: ...!!!

LEON: *SLASH!*

KRAUSER: *DODGE!*

LEON: *SLASH!*

BLOOD: *drips*

KRAUSER: ... Feisty.

LEON: ZOMG WOULD EVERYONE STOP DOING THAT?!

KRAUSER: ... No. TACKLE!

LEON: ...!!!!!!!

KRAUSER [pinning Leon down]: I've got you now, if you know what that means and I think you do...

ADA: Gun!

LEON: OH. THANK. YOU. ADA!

KRAUSER: ... God. Damn. It.

ADA: We win.

KRAUSER: *grumble Ada grumble bitch grumble red dress* Fine. I'll just show up later to kill you both. BACKFLIP!

LEON: So now that I know why Krauser's here... why are you?

ADA: ... Exposition isn't MY job. Bye.

_TRANSMISSION_

SADDLER: So, did you enjoy seeing this guy who no one's ever heard of before but you have a total history with?

LEON: It was ok.

SADDLER: Just doing my part to move the plot along.

LEON: Should I be asking where Ashley is or something...?

SADDLER: How about a killer boss battle instead?

LEON: ... Yeah, ok.

**Container Area**

LEON [picking up beacon]: Ashley!

BEACON: ...Uh, no, I'm that flashy thing you threw on her sweater.

LEON: Oh. So which way did she go?

RUMBLING: *gets closer*

LEON: Huh?

U3: *bursts through tunnel wall*

**Fortress**

KRAUSER: So you and Ada are going out now.

LEON: Jealous much?

KRAUSER: Fine, be that way.

LEON: Fine, I will. Where's Ashley?

KRAUSER: Oh, she's behind that gate that needs three pieces to open, which I scattered all over the place. Except for the last one. It's in my pants.

LEON: You. Sick. Bastard. So what now?

KRAUSER: *whips it out*

KRAUSER FANGIRLS: YAY!

LEON: ... I have bigger guns than that.

**North Tower**

LEON: *picking up the Panther piece*

KRAUSER [looms]: ...

LEON: So what's the point of bringing Umbrella back? Zombies are _so_ 1998.

KRAUSER: Oh, you know, this, that, bad guy reasons. You got a problem with it?

LEON: Uh, let me think... YES.

KRAUSER: Whatever. I'm totally going to rule the world. Or something.

LEON: You really haven't thought this through, have you?

**Battle 1**

KRAUSER: C'mon, quit being a pussy. Unless...

LEON: Don't. Even. Think. It.

KRAUSER: You know you want me.

**Battle 2**

KRAUSER: Why are you fighting this? Just let it happen.

LEON: My past says no. I think.

KRAUSER: Then what are we even talking for right now?

**East Tower**

LEON [picking up Eagle piece]: 2 - Leon, 1 - Krauser.

KRAUSER: [holds up mutating arm] My fr4gg1ng skILL$ ar3 RoxxORZz !!

LEON: ...

_After Battle_

_TRANSMISSION_

SADDLER: So. Good job killing this guy who used to be your friend. 'Cause I was totally trying to get rid of him.

LEON: And "death" didn't occur to you already?

SADDLER: That was pretty hot the way you killed that guy. Want to be my exclusive personal "guard"?

LEON: NO. AND. FOR. THE. LAST. TIME. I. LIKE. ADA.

SADDLER: But what about the baby?

Chapter 5-4

**Military Base**

LEON: ...

GANADOS: *mutter; stand around holding rocket launchers*

LEON: Well, shit.

HELICOPTER: *flies into base*

MIKE: Here I come to save the day!

LEON: ... And it's about damn time.

MIKE: *starts blowing up the base*

LEON: *hangs out while his work is done for him*

**Base Lookout**

LEON [runs up the stairs]: Oh snap.

GANADOS: Heh heh heh

HELICOPTER: *flies into view and takes them all out*

GANADOS: *die*

LEON: Awesome. Drinks are on me when we get out of here!

PILOT: Cool. I knew a good bar.

LEON: What do you mean 'knew'?

ROCKET: *takes out helicopter*

LEON: !

SADDLER AND MINION WITH ROCKET LAUNCHER: *walk away whistling*

LEON: ... You can kidnap Ashley, infect me with a mind-controlling parasite, kill Luis, pit me against a former friend and try to kill me 54894302 times, but now you've gone TOO FAR.

_TRANSMISSION_

SADDLER: I totally PWNED you.

LEON: ZOMG! YOU...YOU... BIG MEANIE!

SADDLER: Sheesh. Crybaby. You didn't even know the guy.

LEON: ...Oh yeah.

SADDLER: So, soon you'll turn into a freaky villager and stuff.

LEON: Oh snap. Will I at least have better one-liners?

SADDLER: *wink* You won't need to talk at all.

**Inner Base**

LEON [coughbloodcough]: ...

ADA [enters after Leon]: You know we can't go out if you turn into a freaky villager.

LEON [coughing]: Hey baby, how about a pearl pendant? Oh, and I'm totally fine. Don't worry about a thing.

ADA: If you say so.

BLACK VEINS: *crawl up Leon's arm*

LEON: *goes red-eyed and tries to strangle Ada*

ADA [stabs]: ZOMG I'M SO NOT INTO THAT!

LEON [back to normal]: Whoa, weird.

ADA: Want me to get the parasite out of your body now?

LEON: I thought I'd save Ashley first. Wouldn't want to miss out on senselessly endangering her.

ADA: Okay, let's split up.

LEON: Fine, be that way. You'd better get yourself a good lawyer.

ADA: ... Split. Up. To. Find. Ashley. And. Kill. Saddler.

LEON: ... Oh.

**Laboratory**

ASHLEY [in the capsule]: ...

SADDLER: Join my totally awesome cult now. Or die. Offer ends soon.

LEON: No thanks, I'd rather rescue Ashley and go out with Ada.

SADDLER: Fine, be that way. I thought what we had meant something to you.

LEON: ...

ADA: Hands off! *opens fire on Saddler*

LEON [opens capsule]: I. Swear. If. I. Have. To. Rescue. You. Again...

ASHLEY [goes all damsel-in-distress]: My hero!

SADDLER: *drops bullets*

ADA: You might want to leave now so I can loot the plot device from Saddler's corpse after I kill him heroically fight this boss battle for you.

LEON: Totally. Let's go, Ashley.

ASHLEY [still going all damsel-in-distress]: Hey, are you getting this? I can keep doing it, you know.

**Inner Lab**

ASHLEY: Hey, a neat looking machine! Can we play with it, Leon, can we can we?

LEON: I get firsties.

ASHLEY: Awww.

_Leon's parasite is destroyed._

ASHLEY: Yippee, my turn!

_Ashley's parasite is destroyed_

ASHLEY [hugging Leon]: We win! ^_________^

LEON: What. Did. I. Say. About. Touching.

**Construction Area**

LEON: I'm going up this elevator to kill Saddler and run off with Ada once and for all. Try not to get killed or captured AGAIN while I'm gone.

ASHLEY: Yeah, sure.

LEON [on the platform]: Ada!

ADA [tied up and hanging]: Fine, I'll let you rescue me. Just this once though.

LEON: Sweet.

SADDLER [waves tentacle staff]: I'll get you on your knees again if it's the last thing I do.

LEON [isn't controlled]: Psych, weirdo. *throws knife*

SADDLER: ... . . . . . . WTF.

ADA [freed]: Remember, this doesn't count as a first date.

LEON: I wanted to go somewhere NICE for a change...

SADDLER: Ahem. Back to our impending final showdown...?

LEON: Yeah, whatever. We all know this part - you turn into a giant monster and then there's an ZOMG SO COOL reference to Resident Evil 2 where Ada throws me a rocket launcher to finish you.

SADDLER: It might be my first time, but I do know what I'm doing, thanks very much.

LEON: JUST TURN INTO A TOTALLY ORIGINAL GIANT SPIDER TENTACLE MONSTER ALREADY.

SADDLER: But my speech...cliche...Hollywood...oh fine. *monsterizes*

LEON: *blows up explosive barrel*

ADA: ...Wait for it...

LEON: ... *swings steel beam*

ADA: ....Wait....

LEON: . . . *crosses falling bridge*

ADA: ...Just a little bit more...

LEON: . . . *climbs gap-pulls lever-backflips-dodges flying beam* Hurry it up, woman!

ADA: Okay, okay! Here, use this. *throws rocket launcher*

LEON: *fires Rocket at monsterized Saddler*

SADDLER: It is finished then. You have restored peace and justice to the galaxy.

LEON: ...

SADDLER: Lord Vader, can you hear me?

LEON: . . .

SADDLER: ...You are fulfilling your destiny, Leon. Become my apprentice. Learn to use the dark side of the Force.

LEON: . . . Dude, you LOST. Deal with it.

**After Battle**

SAMPLE: *is miraculously intact*

LEON [kneels by Saddler's body and picks up the sample]: I'm gonna put an end to this once and for...

ADA [points gun at Leon]: Hand over the plot device and no one gets hurt.

LEON: Wha--bu--Ada, the plot device is evil!

ADA: Well, DUH.

_Ada leaps over the edge with the sample and reappears in a helicopter._

LEON: I guess this means we aren't going out.

ADA [pushes button to blow up the island]: No. But here, you can have this. *tosses jet-ski key*

LEON [catches key]: Fine, be that way.

ADA: Fine, I will. See you later.

LEON [holds up bear keychain]: Where's my kiss?

BEAR: Dude, leave me out of this one.

_Leon goes down in the lift and meets back up with Ashley._

LEON: The island's going to explode!

ASHLEY: Oh noes!

LEON: Quick, let's run through this tunnel!

ASHLEY: Sure, okay.

LEON: Quick, let's get on this jet-ski!

ASHLEY: Uh-huh.

LEON: Quick, hold on!

ASHLEY: Right!

ISLAND: *begins exploding*

ASHLEY [looking behind]: Um, Leon?

LEON: DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO HOLD ON?

ROCKS: *fall*

WAVE: *tsunamis*

LEON: *speeds up*

_Leon and Ashley emerge full speed from a hole in the side of the cliff. _

LEON [lands the jet-ski]: Look, a rainbow!

ASHLEY: *falls off the back*

LEON: Oh great now what? Sharks?

ASHLEY [emerges from underwater]: Leon!

_Leon helps Ashley back onto the jet-ski._

LEON: ... I told you to hold on, didn't I?

ASHLEY: Um, maybe!

LEON: So, you're done? We can go home already?

ASHLEY: Good idea! Mission accomplished, right, Leon?

LEON: We're not home yet, so not really.

ASHLEY: Wanna make out?

LEON: I'm not allowed.

ASHLEY: Why?

LEON: Hello, you're the President's daughter.

ASHLEY: Fine be that way. So who was that woman anyway and why do you like her more than me?

LEON: Just someone I've been hung up on for the past six years even though we barely knew each other and she's clearly up to no good. Why do you ask?

ASHLEY: ...

LEON: Hey, she's a part of me I can't let go!

_EPILOGUE TRANSMISSION - HUNNIGAN_

LEON: Hunnigan, is that you?

INGRID: Who else?

LEON: Whoa, you're not wearing glasses and are totally hot!

INGRID: ...

LEON: Fine, be that way. I rescued Ashley, got the parasites out of both our bodies, killed Saddler, Ada took off with the plot device and I totally let her get away with it, she doesn't want to go out, we're coming home, blah blah etc., etc. So can I get your number now that the game's over?

INGRID: ...

LEON: FINE BE THAT WAY.


End file.
